I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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