my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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