People in love make me want to vomit
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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