Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
