glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
