i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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