He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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