Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
