I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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