I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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