So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
