he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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