my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
