I just pynch a tree in the face
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
