there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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