I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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