hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Randomize
