I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
