Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i love accidental penises.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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