sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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