i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
