im holly from the hills drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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