can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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