I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Randomize
