i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
