Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
