My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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