There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
