Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
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