oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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