I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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