remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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