I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
