my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
