I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
