I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
