Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
