My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
