Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
