guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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