tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The air was thick with penises
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize