Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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