Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
