i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
