I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
