I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
