If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
love makes seman taste better
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
