Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
