The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
