yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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