i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
