Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
