I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
