Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
