The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he laminated a picture of his dick.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
