we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
